Put Up and Shut Up - A Disappearing Act

I thought I should post a little something before I disappear for a while.  I've been going through a bit of a time of it recently.  I won't say hard as I am not the type that complains or whinges.  I am one who "puts up and shuts up".

The Wee Man is starting school in September which has meant a lot of heartache and planning.  Because of his life threatening allergies we have had to make plans to reduce the risks and also plans should anything happen.  For some reason this has thrown up a lot of emotions for me.  None of them good.  Where starting school should be a happy time for us it has become a time fraught with anguish and terror, both our own and the school's.  Thankfully the Wee Man is oblivious to all of this and is happily scoring off the days on his homemade countdown calender until he starts school.  Forty two sleeps and counting.

The past month has been spent in countless meetings with various people from the school and beyond, assessing the risks and writing his care plan.  I am a person who very, very rarely cries and I have been shocked to find myself crying at a couple of these meetings.  Once with the school nurse who herself has unexplained anaphylaxic episodes.  She was the first person I have ever met who has ever experienced anaphylaxis and I asked her how it felt.  Her description was enough to send me well over that edge and I ended up teary and shaking with fear.

The Wee Man has never experienced anaphylaxis, something I and his medical team are truly thankful for.  And whilst I harbour a small hope that, somehow the Wee Man's allergic reactions are only "mild" and would never go to that extreme, my recent talk with his allergy nurse and subsequent research on Dr. Google has well and truly quashed that hope.  It is, as the school nurse said, only because of my vigilance and hard work that the Wee Man has never experienced anaphylaxis.  So basically sheer luck.

Fear has arrived and is firmly camped in my already fragile heart.  I find myself constantly thinking of the Wee Man's mortality and have become "Helicopter Mum", continually hovering over him, stealing cuddles and kisses when I can.  His life is fragile and I fear, however unreasonably, that it will be short.

So this summer will be spent spending every moment with the Wee Man and making it as fun filled and memorable as I can.  I will endeavour to stay upbeat and not show my true feelings to the Wee Man who remains forever positive and matter of fact about his allergies.

I will no doubt do the occasional post as I do have a couple that needs to be written.  Specifically, a thank you post to Aija for her fantastic swap parcel which did make me smile.  Thank you Aija.

Have a great summer everyone and I will hopefully still be able to read your lovely blogs and post comments.

Madison xxx